Half the Man I Used to Be
Redefining Manhood Beyond Net Worth
Years ago I had a remarkable conversation with a friend of mine in his mid-40’s. He was an exceptional businessman whose skills, talents and work ethic had allowed him to amass a considerable fortune. By any reasonable measure, he was rich.
He had worked hard, earned a lot of money, and sound investments helped grow his wealth considerably. He was one of those fortunate people who had more than enough assets to last his family for the rest of their lives.
Unfortunately, he and his wife had grown apart over the years, and decided to divorce. I had struggled through my own divorce. I expressed sympathy, and asked how he was feeling.
What he said was chilling: “The day after the divorce, I will be half the man I am today.”
He was upset about having to give his wife half of their assets in the divorce settlement- I told him that manhood has nothing to do with net worth. Men with less money than he had – which was 99% of American men – were not less manly. Men with more money – and some had much more – were not more manly.
It was clear from the look on his face that he did not believe me.
Why was he convinced that his net worth made him more or less of a man? Because he grew up in our money-centric culture. A culture that places far too much importance on money, to the detriment of many people. The culture’s false ideas are standing in the way of what could make life truly meaningful and joyful for them.
As an investment adviser to many ultra-wealthy people over 36 years, I saw how harmful these false ideas could be. Helping clients to optimize their millions, it became clear to me that their focus on financial success was in many cases diminishing their happiness. Ironically, as my business and my bank account grew, my marriage fell apart and I began to question my own approach to success.
Now I’m on a mission to expand the society’s definition of wealth.
True wealth includes so much more than money. It includes all of the resources you possess to create the exceptional life you want. Resources such as your precious time, talents, relationships, physical capabilities.
Don’t misunderstand me. Money matters. Money allows you to pay for your life’s needs, wants, and wishes. For those who are struggling to make enough money, each additional dollar matters a lot. It can be the difference between being housed or unhoused; it can allow a Mom and Dad to go to sleep without worrying where their children’s next meal is coming from.
Money is just a terrible way to measure your value, your self-worth. All human beings are inherently valuable.
We all are born with the capacity to love, to connect, and to care for ourselves and others. We can develop the ability to be kind, generous, and compassionate. We can build critical character strengths such as integrity, persistence, courage, humility, and prudence. Humans grow and evolve, gaining wisdom—if we’re willing to be reflective-- that allows us to distinguish between the things in life that really matter and those that don’t. Each of us is free to use our talents, skills, and wisdom to help heal a small piece of this broken world.
Instead we define personal success as financial success. Consider how often people refer to high-income earners or very high net-worth families as successful, and how rarely we refer to the exceptional teacher, loving parent, compassionate nurse, or benevolent director of a homeless shelter as successful.
What about all those individuals who have earned and accumulated vast sums of money by engaging in activities that harm others? Is the head of a pharmaceutical company who sells addiction and dependence to his customers successful? What about business owners who sell their customers a product they know won’t work? What about corporate leaders who market services to teenagers that they know will drive many of them to feeling depressed, lonely, and even suicidal?
Money is a tool, nothing more and nothing less. It is simply a measure of your financial success. Some of us are skilled at earning and accumulating money. Others struggle to earn enough, and to hold onto what they have. Those with money have life options that those without money lack. They can choose to live a more materially luxurious life, choose to financially support their children and grandchildren, choose be more financially generous with those in need, or choose to hold onto it and watch it grow.
Your money, or lack thereof, doesn’t make you more or less valuable.
It doesn’t define you.
Until our next conversation,
David
Small Steps & Worthy Questions
Who do you admire who doesn’t earn a lot of money? Why do you admire them? Are they a valuable person?
What is the one word you would like others to use to describe you? Is rich the word?
What is the most important thing in your life? Is it your money?
I admire people who do their jobs better than required due to their own internal standards and integrity. Especially when those jobs don't earn high pay or status. The character they display is fundamental to a successful society.
I just had a classmate from high school die recently, after a long battle with cancer. I didn’t know him well, unfortunately. But many of my friends did, and their descriptions of him during his illness and after he died were remarkable: exuding love to everyone in his life. Inspiring. Completely present. Eloquent. Many people were incredibly saddened by the loss of an exceptional man. But I never saw any mention of his money. Not one. From what I can tell, what made him truly remarkable and impactful to so many had nothing to do with his finances.