Helping Adult Children

The Delicate Balance of Financial Support and Fostering Independence

I love being a father. 

Becoming a father is easy; becoming a good father is hard. Harder still as children grow into adults, take responsibility for their lives, and have their own children. I am now a supporting actor in the life plays of my two thriving adult children.

Both are hardworking, with values that make me proud. They have great spouses, young children, good jobs, caring friends. They are financially secure with enough money to pay for their needs, most of their wants, and some of their wishes. If they had more money, they could make some different, meaningful lifestyle choices.

My wife and I have the capacity to give them the money they need to satisfy those desires, without putting our own lifestyle at risk.

Should we?

This is a worthy question that I have helped many of my clients wrestle with in the 36 years I spent as a wealth manager. There are no easy answers, even for people with mega-millions. There are some factors that I have found useful for my family, my friends, and my clients to consider. 

It’s tempting to give our kids big-dollar gifts. They would be so excited. We would be the heroes. My wife and I would feel a deep sense of satisfaction watching them move into a larger home, send their kids to private school, or go to work for a nonprofit aligned with their sense of purpose.  

Why not? After all, they are adults in their 30’s, holding good jobs, building close relationships, living responsibly. They are going to inherit a sizable sum when I die. Why not give it to them now?

Many of my friends would say my job as a parent is over. They would argue the die is cast; their life trajectory is set. Nothing more my wife and I can teach them. Now is the time to sit back and enjoy the grandchildren. 

I agree that the bulk of my job is over; my children are now responsible for their own lives and their own life choices. Taking time to enjoying the grandchildren is always good advice. 

And yet, I remember how much I learned between my mid 30’s and my mid 60’s. Pivotal lessons as my life unfolded. I learned life is a series of choices, each with a bundle of benefits and costs. Nobody gets everything they want. The key is to prioritize what matters the most to you, to acknowledge you can’t have it all, and to be grateful for your abundance. 

I also learned that life vacillates between easy and hard, joy and struggle. Naturally, I preferred the easy and joyful times. Still, I learned that struggles inevitably led to personal and professional growth that propelled me towards my next adventure. Without my struggles, I would not have the wisdom, the compassion, and the perspective I have today. My life would be far less satisfying and fulfilling.

I don’t want to deprive my adult children of the gifts of struggle. I worry that giving them too much money will take away their opportunity to learn some of life’s most important lessons  that only come from experience. 

When my wife and I make a personal choice that impacts our children, we feel a deep sense of responsibility to choose what we believe is in their best interest. 

The challenge is figuring out what we believe is best for them.

None of this is easy, and there are not perfect answers. Be kind to yourself as you spend some time considering these questions and trying to figure it out. Always remember you are doing the best you can.

Until our next conversation,

David

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Small Steps & Worthy Questions

It definitely takes some time to figure out how to parent adult children. Here are some good questions to ask yourself as a starting point. 

1. What do you believe are the key components of a life well lived? Choose 3-5 items: comfortable lifestyle, relationship with significant other, faith and spirituality, financial success, supportive friendships, life’s luxuries, growing and learning, lucrative career, meaningful work, loving parent, power and control, sense of purpose, leisure time. 

2. How do you want to support your children in their life journey? Do you want to help them in any of the key areas above that you value? Are there certain areas in which you want to lend support, such as education and health care? Do you want to take an active role in helping them raise their children and your grandchildren? Do you want to take a hands-off attitude and let them figure it out? 

3. How much money do you want to give them? When do you want to give it to them?

4. How do you want to tell your children what you are and are not willing to do for them? Do you want to hold a family meeting? Have an individual discussion with each child? Write them each a letter telling them what you are willing to do, and why?

If you love this, share it with your friends, foes, and even perfect strangers. Let’s change the way America thinks about money.

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