Watching adult children struggle is harder than facing our own challenges. Here are 4 tenets to help you love them deeply while respecting their independence.
Reading your article reminded me of Gibran’s poetry, which I first discovered at a young age. His wisdom granted me a peaceful heart, and his poem on children specifically shaped me into a more grounded mother. It helped me navigate the very challenges you describe.
Watching our children evolve into independent adults and parents is simultaneously difficult and deeply rewarding. I have found this stage to be one of the best seasons of my life. By observing their journeys, I’ve learned to offer support only when requested and only in ways that truly empower them. I have released them to explore their own potential, allowing them the space to learn from their mistakes. I often remind them that without these experiences, they wouldn’t develop the strength necessary to eventually help others.
As for my grandchildren, I strive to be a consistent presence in their lives. Most importantly, as a Christian mother and grandmother, I stay on my knees lifting their lives toward heaven with gratitude. I pray for their well-being, health, happiness, and professional success, trusting in their protection. Entrusting them to God in this way is what truly brings me peace.
I am also reminded of Psalm 127:4, which says: 'Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.' This gives me the strength to let them fly, knowing they are in His hands.
Incredible wisdom here, so articulately shared. I LOVE your framing of resilience. Though my kids are in college (liminal adulthood?) I am enjoying (even when challenging) the intentional redefinition of my role, and thus our relationship. I read a parenting book when they were young that help differentiate between what's the developmental stage, their personality or unique needs, or a result of my parenting. It was very helpful to guide when and how I intervened. One thing I'm noticing now: when they are struggling and I share my OWN experience of that issue at their age, I can help normalize that the struggle is "developmentally appropriate" rather than a unique problem for them. It doesn't solve it for them, but it softens the anxiety that "they're doing it wrong" and reframes it as "what can I learn from this and how do I want to grow next?" As always, I so appreciate your posts! Keep 'em coming!
I love the idea of sharing with them your own struggles at the same stage of life. Somehow, too many kids in our culture never learned that struggle is a part of life. When that is your mindset, any struggle seems overwhelming. Seeing that you struggled, survived, grew and succeeded is such a reassuring and confident building example for your kid.
You are a wise lady. So glad you are enjoying my musings.
You really hit it with the truth that, earlier than we’d like to admit, we don’t know what’s best for our kids. I’ve been telling mine that truth since each was about 13. Not as an abdication—they know I have an opinion about everything—but honoring their individuality and acknowledging they live with the consequences of each decision.
When I can foresee those consequences, due to life experiences they don’t yet have, I still make sure they have the benefit of what I can see. But they’ve learned the decision is theirs and doesn’t have to match what I’d do, even if I were in their shoes (which I’m not). And they know I still love them and don’t judge them regardless of their decisions.
There are times my kids don’t want to hear my opinion, although admittedly that occurred more in their mid 20’s than their mid 30’s.
As you point out, the most important thing is to let your children know that you recognize they have to live their own life, you still love them, will always love them, and don’t judge them regardless of their decisions. When you do that, they are far more likely to seek you wisdom when they feel they will benefit from it.
Reading your article reminded me of Gibran’s poetry, which I first discovered at a young age. His wisdom granted me a peaceful heart, and his poem on children specifically shaped me into a more grounded mother. It helped me navigate the very challenges you describe.
Watching our children evolve into independent adults and parents is simultaneously difficult and deeply rewarding. I have found this stage to be one of the best seasons of my life. By observing their journeys, I’ve learned to offer support only when requested and only in ways that truly empower them. I have released them to explore their own potential, allowing them the space to learn from their mistakes. I often remind them that without these experiences, they wouldn’t develop the strength necessary to eventually help others.
As for my grandchildren, I strive to be a consistent presence in their lives. Most importantly, as a Christian mother and grandmother, I stay on my knees lifting their lives toward heaven with gratitude. I pray for their well-being, health, happiness, and professional success, trusting in their protection. Entrusting them to God in this way is what truly brings me peace.
I am also reminded of Psalm 127:4, which says: 'Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.' This gives me the strength to let them fly, knowing they are in His hands.
Incredible wisdom here, so articulately shared. I LOVE your framing of resilience. Though my kids are in college (liminal adulthood?) I am enjoying (even when challenging) the intentional redefinition of my role, and thus our relationship. I read a parenting book when they were young that help differentiate between what's the developmental stage, their personality or unique needs, or a result of my parenting. It was very helpful to guide when and how I intervened. One thing I'm noticing now: when they are struggling and I share my OWN experience of that issue at their age, I can help normalize that the struggle is "developmentally appropriate" rather than a unique problem for them. It doesn't solve it for them, but it softens the anxiety that "they're doing it wrong" and reframes it as "what can I learn from this and how do I want to grow next?" As always, I so appreciate your posts! Keep 'em coming!
I love the idea of sharing with them your own struggles at the same stage of life. Somehow, too many kids in our culture never learned that struggle is a part of life. When that is your mindset, any struggle seems overwhelming. Seeing that you struggled, survived, grew and succeeded is such a reassuring and confident building example for your kid.
You are a wise lady. So glad you are enjoying my musings.
You really hit it with the truth that, earlier than we’d like to admit, we don’t know what’s best for our kids. I’ve been telling mine that truth since each was about 13. Not as an abdication—they know I have an opinion about everything—but honoring their individuality and acknowledging they live with the consequences of each decision.
When I can foresee those consequences, due to life experiences they don’t yet have, I still make sure they have the benefit of what I can see. But they’ve learned the decision is theirs and doesn’t have to match what I’d do, even if I were in their shoes (which I’m not). And they know I still love them and don’t judge them regardless of their decisions.
There are times my kids don’t want to hear my opinion, although admittedly that occurred more in their mid 20’s than their mid 30’s.
As you point out, the most important thing is to let your children know that you recognize they have to live their own life, you still love them, will always love them, and don’t judge them regardless of their decisions. When you do that, they are far more likely to seek you wisdom when they feel they will benefit from it.