Not Much Time Left Yet I’m Still Wasting It

The odds of living to 100 are low. The odds of a beautiful today are entirely up to you.

I have a mathematical mind, so I can tell you my likelihood of living to be 100 years old. Two percent. My odds of dying in the next five years? Ten percent. I am 18 times more likely to die in the next 15 years than make it to the age of 100.

I think this way because I am terrified of wasting the precious life I have left.

On my deathbed, I don’t want regrets. I want to know I spent my time doing what brought me joy and meaning. I want to worry less about potential catastrophes that could happen in my 90s and focus more on capturing life-affirming opportunities today.

Easy to say. Hard to do.

The Forces Holding Me Back

Two forces are holding me back.

First, I have a litany of fears. I worry about my children’s future, rising healthcare costs, and the safety of the people I love. I can easily construct scenarios where things go badly and more money would have made a difference.

As my fears grow larger, my life grows smaller.

Second, imagining I will live to 100 feels good. It gives me another 30-plus years. Thinking about dying in the next five,10, or 15 years is sobering. I don’t like facing that reality.

Avoiding reality is never a good strategy.

A Vision of a Daily "Last Day"

I want to live each day knowing it might be my last. What does that look like?

Starting my days slowly and mindfully, with meditation and prayer. Taking care of my body so I have the energy to live fully. Learning what matters to me and letting go of what doesn’t. Spending time with my wife Heidi, my children and grandchildren, and the people I love most.

Having fun. Being silly, laughing, playing games, goofing off. I spent most of my adult life doing the adult thing so I have a fun deficit. Thank God for my grandchildren! They are teaching me the joy of doing what I want without worrying about how I look or what it will accomplish.

Being spontaneous. Blocks of unscheduled time where I am free to pause and ask, “What do I want to do right now?” And when the answer comes, listen. Maybe it’s a walk noticing the spring blooms. A nap on the couch with our fluffy dog Sophie at my feet. Calling friends just to say I love them. Writing the blog that is quietly asking to be written.

If I follow what my heart craves, I won’t die with a bucket full of regrets.

The Trap of Relevance

What’s getting in my way? Me. I am the problem.

I fill up my calendar. I’m afraid of not being relevant. I’m afraid of being friendless and alone. Those are primal fears for me. So I schedule lunches, coffees, and calls. I listen, help, advise. It gives me a taste of what I used to feel at work—smart, helpful, appreciated. It feeds my ego. It makes me feel worthwhile.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. But if I’m not careful, I fill my life with good things for the wrong reasons. I become disconnected from myself. I give up the spontaneity I crave. I trade a walk for another meeting, rest for relevance, presence for productivity.

The rational arguments for change are easy for me. I’ve been making them for decades.

The challenge is emotional.

My inner kid still wants to feel safe, important, and valued. He worries that if I stop showing up, people will drift away. That if I spend too much of my money on fun or philanthropy, there won’t be enough to keep my family safe.

I can continue to let fear quietly shape my days, or I can begin to live differently. Even if I live to 100, I don’t have that much time left. And there is a very real chance I have far less.

Small Steps Toward Fewer Regrets

So I have to make different choices. Not all at once. Not perfectly. By taking small steps.

Leave some more space on my calendar. Say no a bit more often. Spend a little more freely. Give a little more now. Pause during the day and ask, “What do I want to do right now?” And listen.

I don’t need to get this exactly right.

But I do know this: If I want a life with fewer regrets, I can’t keep filling it the same way I always have.

And I’m the only one who can change that.

Until our next conversation,

David

Small Steps & Worthy Questions

1. Ask yourself, “What am I doing out of fear and pretending the motive is responsibility or discipline?”

2. Choose presence over productivity once this week. Take the walk, enjoy the nap, or call a friend. Notice how you feel afterward.

3. Say no to one good opportunity because it’s not what your heart really wants.

4. Consider what will happen if you slow down, say no, or let go.

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