Parenting Isn’t a Popularity Contest

Your job isn't to be their friend. It's to help them grow into adults living lives filled with love, meaning, and joy.

Oct 14, 2025

From the moment my daughter was born, I felt an intense desire to care for her, protect her, and guide her. When my son arrived two and a half years later, the same flood of emotion returned—to love, to protect, to guide.

It didn’t take long to encounter the parent’s conundrum. Like all young children, mine would cry when they didn’t get what they wanted. Their tears pulled at my heart. When they misbehaved, I got irritated and wanted to show them who was boss.

Still, a voice inside reminded me: my job wasn’t to make my kids happy in the moment, nor was it to dominate them. It was to help them grow into adults living lives filled with love, meaning, and joy.

That lofty goal isn’t easy amid the chaos of life. I needed a system—something to move me from knee-jerk reactions to values-based decision making.

Over time, I developed three child-rearing principles to guide me.

1. Tell Your Kids, Again and Again, How Much You Love Them

Growing up, my parents didn’t say “I love you.” I knew they loved me—they showed it—but it wasn’t spoken. Then, during my freshman year of college, I heard my roommate tell his folks, “I love you, Mom and Dad.” At first, I was shocked. Then, I started saying it too—and my parents reciprocated, for the rest of their lives.

I wanted my kids to know, beyond any doubt, how much I loved them. I constantly told them. Even when they protested, they knew I loved them unabashedly and was in their corner.

A parent’s affection is as close as it comes to unconditional love between humans. Many adults believe they have to earn love. Done right, parental love shows children that they are inherently lovable, inherently valuable. It is their birthright.

2. Help Them Be All They Can Be

Your job as a parent is to help your children grow into their full potential—and support them in building lives filled with love, meaning, and joy. It’s a big job, full of nuance.

To help them live life fully, I tried to give my kids the freedom to make their own choices and learn from their mistakes, while also protecting them from decisions that might cause lasting harm. It’s hard to strike that balance. I often wanted to step in. I imagined their missteps leading to catastrophe.

I’m a third-generation college graduate, and my kids always knew they were expected to earn a degree. Education is a core Geller family value. Thirty days before the application deadline for many colleges, I asked my son how his applications were going.

He replied: “I haven’t started.”

My stomach dropped. My mind started to race. Would he ever go to college? Would he lose out on job opportunities? How would he learn to think, reason, and argue persuasively? So many of my closest friendships were formed in college. Where would he find those precious lifelong relationships?

And, honestly, I worried what others would think of me. Would friends and colleagues see me as a failure? A dad whose son didn’t even apply to college?

I wanted to force him to sit down and complete the applications right away. But I didn’t.

He was 18. This was his journey. If he missed the deadline, maybe he wasn’t ready to go to college. He could get a job, or do a gap-year program. Both of which would give him the chance to experience new things, learn about life, grow and mature.

People take many paths. His path didn’t need to match mine.

I held my tongue. Instead of trying to impose my will on him, I simply offered to help him in any way I could.

One week before the deadline, he told me he was ready. He asked me to help him think through the essays. The next day, he worked on his applications from early morning until midnight. I hung out with him for the day, and periodically we had fun together batting around different essay ideas. Thankfully, he submitted five completed college applications just before the deadline.

The next fall, he attended a small liberal arts college and had a great experience. I’m glad he went. But I also know that his life would not have been ruined if he’d missed the deadline. It just would have been different. Maybe better in some ways, maybe worse.

I’m proud of how I learned to let go and support him in doing things his own way. Because that is what adults do. They figure out how to do the things they need to do in their own way.

3. They Get Upset With You–So What?!

As my kids grew, I felt the pull to be their friend. Most of the time, I resisted.

My job wasn’t to avoid conflict or win their approval, or to make my life easier. My job was to do what was best for them.

Still, it wasn’t easy. During my kids’ high school years, they would make requests that seemed crazy to me. There was the time my son became furious when I said his steady girlfriend could not spend the night in his room. I was patient, I listened carefully to his rationale, then explained myself. He retorted that all of his friends’ parents permitted such romantic sleepovers.

I said simply, “I love you more.”

He was angry; I felt sad about the distance this created between us. I soothed myself with the knowledge that I was doing what was best for my son.

Every decision has trade-offs. Eventually, I relinquished my unrealistic desire to be a perfect parent. I had to learn to make the best choice I could with the information I had.

My three principles helped me make better decisions. Not perfect, but better. I accepted that mistakes were inevitable. What mattered was showing up with love, intention, and responsibility.

These principles grounded me even when I was flooded by emotion. They were a reminder of how I wanted to parent–from a place of love, a desire to help my kids flourish, and a duty to put their needs above my own.

Until our next conversation,

David

Small Steps & Worthy Questions

Let your children know how much you love them, again and again. If you don’t feel like you’re overdoing it, you’re not doing it enough!
Your job is to do what is best for your child, not what makes them happy in the moment. Inevitably some of your decisions will upset them. Remind yourself it’s OK they are upset. They’ll get over it.
When your child is struggling, ask yourself, “Do they need help, or space to grow?” Remember the power of active listening even when you’re tempted to offer solutions.

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