Why Aren't I More Generous?
Overcoming Financial Fear to Embrace the Joy of Giving
I often tell myself, “When in doubt, be generous.” Uncertain about how much to tip a server, I try and give the more generous amount. When I debate how much to donate to a charity, I push myself to give a little more.
Even though I have been doing this for years, it is often difficult for me. I imagine myself in a high-powered race car, sitting in the driver’s seat. This is my generosity race car. The faster and farther it moves, the more generous I am with my time, talents, and treasure.
I crave the good feelings that come from open-hearted generosity. I find it liberating to be generous with family and friends, fulfilling to donate my time or treasure to charities and see how my efforts are making a real difference. Even small acts of generosity, such as tipping a little more than usual, can bring a smile to the server’s face and warm my heart.
Still, I struggle with being generous. Sometimes my generosity car is barely moving. When I try to lift my foot off the brake, I get a panicky feeling. What if I run into a wall, crash, seriously injure myself, or even worse, my family?
What is holding me back? What am I afraid of?
I sometimes believe the more money I have, the more secure I am; the less money I have, the more vulnerable I am. With that mindset, it’s not surprising that generosity feels risky, even dangerous.
Is it true? Am I safer, more secure, as my net worth grows? It depends.
When I face a threat to me or someone I love, having money can make a big difference. Is the economy in a tailspin? Money makes it easier for me and my family to weather the storm. Fighting a life-threatening illness? Money buys me access to the best doctors doing cutting-edge research. Facing a serious legal threat? With money I can hire a high-powered attorney.
Money can be quite valuable in challenging times — up to a point. Once I have enough money to hire the best or to weather the storm, additional money is of limited value. And there are lots of situations where my money is no help at all.
Some of the threats we can’t protect ourselves against: terminal illness, the suffering or loss of loved ones, debilitating accidents — and, of course, our inevitable death. Thinking about my own mortality, and how helpless I sometimes feel about protecting my family from pain and suffering leaves me feeling vulnerable. This vulnerability is something we all share.
It is hard for me to face up to these feelings. I have messages from my childhood that “real men” are strong, impervious to pain, and almost invincible. Of course, those messages are insidious lies that have caused me, and so many other men, intense pain. Still, I struggle at times with admitting to myself that I, like every other person on the planet, am always vulnerable to physical or emotional trauma.
Oddly enough, those with massive amounts of money often feel more vulnerable and less secure. They worry about real and sometimes imagined threats. How do they protect their family from kidnappers seeking a large ransom? Are burglars watching for opportunities to break into their home? Will someone ensnare them in a fraudulent scheme to steal their money?
When thinking about my security, I know money matters up to a point. It’s just not all that matters, and in many cases, it’s not what matters most.
How do I convince myself that my security depends on far more than my money, and my money is only of limited usefulness in providing for my security?
I work on being more generous. When I am generous, I send myself a message that I have enough. When I engage in generous acts and experience that I am still OK, I diminish my mistaken belief that more money is what makes me secure.
Generosity is a muscle. The more I exercise the muscle, the more powerful it becomes, and the more I can ease my foot off the brake of my generosity car. One small step at a time.
Money is a tool, nothing more and nothing less. When I equate my money with my security, I hold tightly onto the money and deprive myself of the meaning, connection and joy that generosity provides. That is why my motto is: When in doubt, be generous.
Until our next conversation,
David
Small Steps & Worthy Questions
Tip a little extra
Next time you tip a server at a restaurant, give a little more than you would normally. If you can, let them know you have left them a little extra, and thank them for their hard work.
10% More
Give 10% more to your favorite cause. Pay attention to how it feels. Did the feelings surprise you?
Treat Your Friends
Next time you’re having dinner with a friend, tell them how much they mean to you and pick up the bill. Send a friend a small gift with a note saying how much you love them. Be aware of your own reaction as well as theirs.
Whenever I was out grocery shopping with my daughter, if there was a homeless person nearby, I'd always buy a sandwich and a drink and give it to them. Or give it to her to give to them. If we can teach our kids to be generous, that's a good way to spread generosity even beyond our limited influence.
I agree with all of this! And I'll add that so many of us tie our worth and identity with our money and falsely believe the more money we have, the happier we will be. It's simply not the case. I've seen true joy from people who have far less than the richest people I know (who oftentimes are the most miserable). Thanks for sharing this insightful article, David!